Gender, Courtship and Marriage

Raden Ajeng Kartini 1879-1904

 The Indonesian language does not reflect ‘gender’ difference between ‘she’ and ‘he’; there is only one pronoun ‘dia’ for addressing both boys and girls, men and women. That denotes equality between boys and girls, men and women, but how equal? However, before Raden Ajeng Kartini, the National heroin was born on 21 April 1879 in Rembang, East Java, there was a vivid discrimination between boys and girls in term of schooling. Only boys were expected going to school while the girls should stay at home to help their parents until they were ready to get married. Raden Ajeng Kartini advocated the right of the girls so that both boys and girls were allowed to go to school equally. She was successful in bringing light to the girls. Her collected letters was published under the title “Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang” literally means “There is Light after the Darkness”. After her hard advocacy, there was an equal right for boys and girls for going to schools. Nowadays, the government supports education for boys and girls equally as long as the parents can support the education of their children or as long as the children have strong will to get education. Government also offers scholarship for those who are bright but have no funding for going to school.

Before the modernization and globalization influenced Indonesian society through direct and indirect contact with the western society, Indonesia has had its own characteristic for marriages and courtships. Indonesia is very in culture and customs. Each ethnic has its customs of marriages.  In the past, the arranged marriages were very common where the boy or the girl did not have their own choice of marriage. The boys and the girls got married relatively in a very young age. The main reason for the arranged marriage is to maintain the family status, to gain political power or wealth. Arranged marriage is common in Balinese and Javanese society. As soon as the girls have their period, the parents considered them as a ready woman for a marriage. The parents would arrange a marriage to the man of higher status. If the girl is beautiful enough, it is so easy for her to a concubine or to be second or third wife of a rich man. It was very common that the arranged marriage was not an arranged marriage but instead there was a forced marriages where the girl must marry a much older man to pay off the debt of her parents, as reflected in the Literature of Siti Nurbaya by Marah Roesli. The most common way of marriage is where the girl follows the husband wherever he may be, and wherever he works. But in some societies like the Minangkabau tribe in Sumatra, the man married into the woman’s family, although after marriage the man has freedom to find a job away from his hometown.

Pinang or meminang is an Indonesian word for proposing a girl in a patrilineal ethnic customs. After the two families agreed with the arranged marriage of the two children, then the family of the man will announce the date of meminang. The root of the word meminang is ‘pinang’ the areca nut. In most parts of the Indonesian archipelago, the procedure of proposing a bride including pinang areca as the official ceremony while the two families meet together in the bride’s home. Pinang is a crucial ingredient in chewing bettle-nuts. In the rural regions of Indonesian society inviting people to come by for having bettle-nuts is very common. Usually people accept the invitation of having bettle-nuts any time of the day as a symbol of warm, friendships. In Sumba, for example, during the wedding day, all the guests are offered to have a ready-chewed-bettle-nut before the real ceremony begins. Since it produces red spit, therefore while serving bettle-nuts they also prepare a container for spitting their red spit. After the pinangan is accepted by the bride’s family then the bride’s status will be legally in the bridegroom family. The elaborate ceremony according to the adat law soon will be performed in the bridegroom’s house. In Bali, the adat wedding is much more important than getting a marriage certificate. Only recently by the late of 1990s because of the official purposes the new couples obtain their marriage certificate in the Kantor Catatan Civil. The main purpose of a marriage is to produce children who will continue the duty of the parents, sexual pleasure is only a bonus for making babies. Before the government program called KB (Keluarga Berencana) or Family Planning a couple could have many children between 5 or 12 children. Nowadays, the two-children-enough program recommended by the Indonesian government. The government even supports only three children for the civil servants, the rest should be the responsibility of the family.

the marriage couple in full traditional Balinese costumes 

Indonesia has developed rapidly after its independent in 1945 after three and a half century colonized by the Dutch. The tourists, western scholars, anthropologists started coming to Indonesia and studied deeply about the ethnic Indonesians. On the other hand, Indonesian also travel world wide and when they come back home they will introduce foreign culture and customs to their homeland consciously or unconsciously. In the tourist areas, the direct contact with foreigners also plays determined roles in changing or to lessen the traditional values. Therefore the arrange marriage is not the only way of building a new household, because now what we call a romantic or a love marriage has been familiar to the youth of Indonesia. Modern devices for communications or getting an access to the most non-traditional customs of the Indonesian archipelago are available in the urban society. Kissing, hugging in public is no longer considered taboo by the young generation. For more radical people living together before legally getting married is considered normal nowadays to ensure that they will have children to continue the generation.